wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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