Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
