I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
