Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
