Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
