God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
