Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
