The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
