I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
