I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
