So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
