I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
