I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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