clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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