i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
