So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
