My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
