Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
