Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
