the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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