I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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