I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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