I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Randomize
