I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
