If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
