hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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