Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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