oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
