you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
