Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
