so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
