So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
