shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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