So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my being single is dangerous.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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