If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
