I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
