I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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