I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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