I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
