so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Randomize
