is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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