I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop