just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No subtext here. People are naked.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.