She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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