I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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