I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
two words...techno handjob
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The air was thick with penises
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
