how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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