There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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