how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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