Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Randomize
