I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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