I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
