I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
