mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Found the puke drawer
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
