got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
