I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
