Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
