was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
