He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
